This Is Grief

Grief…I don’t wish this on my worst enemy.

I don’t wish these feelings upon my worst enemy… yes feelings… Sadness, shock, confusion, anger, guilt, and disbelief. Weird isn’t it? We know death is part of everyone’s life! Even knowing my mother lived a wonderful long life to age of 82 it doesn’t feel fair. I mean she is gone!

Its been 5 months… the first 2 months were the worst because I was suffering from flashbacks…constant videos in my head of what she went through in the hospital. I don’t wish this upon my worst enemy, It’s a roller coaster… one minute your “acting” fine. The next minute you’re crying in the middle of the grocery store. Sleepless nights, review of memories, doubts...was I a good daughter? Should we had done something differently? I mean the physiological bewilderment is real [a nice way of saying Mind F&@!].

While in Puerto Rico on vacation with my brother, husband and parents in May, my mom had a stroke. She then proceeded a 5 to 6 week period of hospital stays and quickly deteriorated. It was an awful site because she was a vibrant, beautiful women that was highly favored and loved. July 3 rd, just hours after I landed in Puerto Rico again, she took her last breath.

While I was in Puerto Rico my best friend from HS was hit by a car who went through a red light and after 3 months in coma she didn’t make it. Just last week my husband lost an aunt which was one of my favorites of his aunties! I have a had a few friends lose their parents too! What is happening??

In all my years of life I haven’t needed professional help. But now I am seeing a therapist! YUP and I am not ashamed. She has helped me sort feelings, deal with grief and understand why I feel like am going crazy. Also, I have read some good books and followed some cool accounts that have helped me realize I am not losing my mind.

I mean I can resonate with some of the stories, feelings and confusion of strangers on the internet. I am also blessed to have a wonderful husband, family, church community and friends who have also had loss and don’t mind hearing me repeat myself for the 50 th time!

So when someone you know loses their loved one…. Don’t question their grief process. We are all different. It will take some time for them to realize there is no going back to how it was, and we will never be the same.

This is the new normal. Sounds dramatic, but trust me, when you know you know.

Not in a sad, dark way, just in a accepting my new reality. My loved one isn’t a call away… wont be at the table or facetime during the holidays… won’t be there EVER again.

Its not all bad though… this process has put things into perspective. If you know me, you know I am very grateful and appreciative. Now this has leveled up naturally my gratitude that is, if that was possible. Second, I have always nurtured my relationships but now I am allowing LESS time between making connections with friends, family and especially those that are at a distance.

Finally, having lost a few people this year and seeing how quickly we dispose of their belongings…whether they are dispersed within family, donated, sold or thrown out… it just comes to show everything we work so hard for and that means something to us doesn’t necessarily hold the same value for others. They are just material possessions.

I will leave you with this,

A few resources that may help: Books: The Grieving Brain by Mary Frances O’Conner and Navigating Intense Grief by Emily Vandeberg.

Some social media accounts:TIKTOK – Mindset, Grief and Peace (@Brittanydspivey) and Grieving Out Loud (@megahanmilesnyc).

Find a therapist or a grief group. It really does make a difference. (I used Focus on the Family for a Christian therapist).

Remember: your loved one would want you to move on and be happy.

Be understanding of others who have experienced loss. We are all different.

I pray you don’t have to experience this and by the way did I mention I don’t wish this on my worst enemy?

Love, Carmen